Saturday, December 24, 2011

A Tearful Morning

I was woke up this morning by an automated phone call from the State.  It was not how I would have chosen to start Christmas Eve.  We have cookies to bake for Santa, food to prepare for tomorrow, a few more presents to wrap, and fun and games planned for the evening.  I did not plan on starting the day with tears and fighting to not let the depression leave me curled up on the couch all day.  It's not that my little girl would be far from my thoughts.  In fact she would be in the front of my mind as we did all these activities.  She would be missed during every second of the day the way it was.  I did not need it thrown in my face that she is gone like it was at 8 this morning.  Here is a copy of the email message I received that is essentially what the phone call was, but with a few more details.   


Re: Ryan Sundermann, Offender #: 01177786

In response to your desire to be notified, please be advised that the above named offender has been scheduled for release on a conditional release date of 1/7/2012, which is the mandatory release date required by law. In addition, the offender may earn good time credit, which would advance the release date. Upon release, please note that the remainder of the offender's sentence will be served under parole supervision.

No further notification will be sent to you unless the offender's release date is advanced or the offender is revoked and returned to a correctional facility.

Friday, December 23, 2011


The shopping is done.  The gifts are wrapped (all but a few). The trees have been up for a week.  The pictures are taken, but cards will probably be Happy New Year.  The end of the Holiday season is in sight.  I have been rather proud of how I have handled things this year so far.  I forced myself to take care of things on my own.  I shopped without having to be pulled along by friends.  I needed Abby's trees up as soon as the others were up. 

For the pictures this year, some had Abby's black leotard in them and others had her Princess dress-up slippers.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

He Still Knows Her

The girls were having pictures taken on Thursday so I had to find something of Abby's to put in the pictures too.  As I went into her room, JackJack came running in with me.  I have not let him in her room in about a year because the one and only time he was in there, he became sick and depressed for weeks afterwards.  I tried to send him right back out, but he ran and hid under her bed.  After I had found things for pictures, I still could not get him to come out and decided to just leave him for a little while.  When I went back in, I found him up on her bed, nose pressed to her pillow, kneading it and purring loudly.  Of course this brought me to tears.  He only does the kneading when he curls up on my stomach, so I knew he still knew his girl.  I scooped him up, carried him out, and closed the door.  As I gave him loves, he pushed away wanting down.  He went back to her door, stretched up, and started rattling the doorknob, yowling.  He wanted back in.  My heart just broke.   

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Wishful Thinking

Each year I think the same thing ~

Maybe this will be the year the Holidays get easier. 
Maybe hearing the Christmas music won't phase me this time. 
Maybe all the lights will look cheery. 
Maybe I will enjoy shopping. 
Maybe pulling out the trees at home won't start the restless nights and the holiday blahs. 
Maybe we will put all the ornaments on the trees and decorate the whole house again. 
Maybe my heart will be filled with only joy and no sadness. 
Maybe this year I will want to do things instead of feeling like they are forced.
Maybe I can love Christmas again finally the way I used to.
Maybe.  Just maybe.
But, I guess I can hope for next year.