Abrielle Neff Foundation: Missing Her

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Missing Her

Tears stream down my face today as I miss my little Abrielle so much more today. But there are moments the tears just won't flow as it is my heart that is really crying. The pain I feel on this day has not lessened yet and it seems almost unreal for me to say I have been without her for 5 years now.

Five years.

One thousand, eight hundred, and twenty five days since my last kisses. My last I love yous. My last snuggles. My last moments shared with my Abrielle.

Today is the day I cannot seem to keep my emotions hidden behind my smiling mask. Today is the day it takes all my energy just to leave the bed. Today is the day that the sun does not shine in my life. Today is the day the pain of that tragic day cannot be squelched. Today is the day spent reliving the nightmare that has become the normal part of our life. Today I cannot pretend the pain does not exist. Today is the day I wish could change time to fix. Today life does not just go on for me.  It comes to a screeching halt as it did five years ago. The sounds, the smells, the sights of that day flood my thoughts today as there is no way to avoid remembering what happened on this day that changed our lives forever.

The horrific sound of the impact of the vehicles.
The sudden pressure and pain I felt in my body.
The blackness.
The hissing and dripping sounds.
Mady's screams.
The "please wake me up from this bad dream" feeling.
The sight of my little girl's broken body.
The panic.
The screaming for Abby to breathe.
The sirens.

The overwhelming sense of peace. (I have never shared this on here before)   I was screaming hysterically, "God, NO! No, no, no. Please!" as Abby stopped breathing. I had lifted her shirt to watch for signs but there was stillness. It was then that this sense of peace and comfort came over me. It was then that I heard "It's going to be okay" just as plain as if there was someone standing beside me speaking those words. It was then my hysteria stopped and I became unreasonably calm throughout the rest of the day. It was then that Abby started breathing again.

Five years and the pain and memories are just as vivid.

There is a void in my heart that cannot be filled and today it feeling like a gaping hole.

I love you and miss you Abrielle!

1 comment:

AnonymousMarch 29, 2012 at 10:59 AM
Thinking of all of you this day...and you guys always seem to pop in my mind from time to time. I know your pain, and no words can comfort in these times...but may god bless you all.

Love
The Fast, David, Amy, Avery and "Angel Dayne"
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.