Thursday, March 29, 2012

Missing Her

Tears stream down my face today as I miss my little Abrielle so much more today.  But there are moments the tears just won't flow as it is my heart that is really crying.  The pain I feel on this day has not lessened yet and it seems almost unreal for me to say I have been without her for 5 years now.

Five years.

One thousand, eight hundred, and twenty five days since my last kisses.  My last I love yous.  My last snuggles. My last moments shared with my Abrielle.

Today is the day I cannot seem to keep my emotions hidden behind my smiling mask.  Today is the day it takes all my energy just to leave the bed.  Today is the day that the sun does not shine in my life.  Today is the day the pain of that tragic day cannot be squelched.  Today is the day spent reliving the nightmare that has become the normal part of our life.  Today I cannot pretend the pain does not exist.  Today is the day I wish could change time to fix.  Today life does not just go on for me.  It comes to a screeching halt as it did five years ago.  The sounds, the smells, the sights of that day flood my thoughts today as there is no way to avoid remembering what happened on this day that changed our lives forever.  

The horrific sound of the impact of the vehicles.
The sudden pressure and pain I felt in my body.
The blackness.
The hissing and dripping sounds.
Mady's screams.
The "please wake me up from this bad dream" feeling.
The sight of my little girl's broken body.
The panic.
The screaming for Abby to breathe.
The sirens.

The overwhelming sense of peace.  (I have never shared this on here before)   I was screaming hysterically, "God, NO!  No, no, no.  Please!" as Abby stopped breathing.  I had lifted her shirt to watch for signs but there was stillness.  It was then that this sense of peace and comfort came over me.  It was then that I heard "It's going to be okay" just as plain as if there was someone standing beside me speaking those words.  It was then my hysteria stopped and I became unreasonably calm throughout the rest of the day.  It was then that Abby started breathing again. 

Five years and the pain and memories are just as vivid. 

There is a void in my heart that cannot be filled and today it feeling like a gaping hole.

I love you and miss you Abrielle! 


1 comment:

  1. Thinking of all of you this day...and you guys always seem to pop in my mind from time to time. I know your pain, and no words can comfort in these times...but may god bless you all.

    The Fast, David, Amy, Avery and "Angel Dayne"