It seems strange to say that there are moments when I feel like I am finally beginning to heal because I honestly did not think it would ever happen. I never thought I could have times when the tears would dry up and I could just enjoy being a Mom to my other two girls, but I have experienced a few. I noticed that since Elly had reached age 4 and is approaching age 5, I had started grieving the things I have not gotten to experience with Abby. It was difficult filling out the Kindergarten papers knowing I never got to send Abrielle, but I kept the tears hidden. It was hard taking Elly to get her ears pierced knowing that Abby never was able to and with the memories of Mady having hers filling my head. (Abby kept trying to escape that day while my focus was on her big sister. She had other things she wanted to go see and do.) But there were no tears from me.
We finally let Mady have a slumber party for her birthday again which had not been done since she turned 6 in Kindergarten. It was her last birthday with her sister here. This year it was Elly running around trying to be a big girl instead of Abby. We even did some of the same things ~ roasting marshmallows and making smores in the fire. But there were no tears, just talks about the memories of the last time while we watched all the girls enjoy the night.
Last weekend was dance recital and this was the first time I made it through the entire day without any tears. Abby was in my thoughts as I helped Elly prepare for her dances and as I watched all the little girls on stage, but no tears, just memories.
I really hope this is a healing trend and that I can begin to experience more things without the tears. I know the memories will always be there but hopefully I can squelch the tears a little more often now.