My strength gave way today and the tears fell despite my best efforts. It was just too in my face and I had no distractions. I apologize to those of you that saw me crumble as I really do try to keep that to the privacy of home. And I thank those of you that were there for support in one way or another. Your caring and understanding mean the world to me during those tough times.
It was just a Veteran's Day assembly at school and it should have been just that for me too. Instead, after we were seated with our students and formalities over, the fourth grade class began their songs. I fought through tears welling up on the first song and was not able to keep them from spilling over by the second song. I had to excuse myself and take some time to compose myself. I thought I had myself under control, but only lasted maybe another two minutes before it became too much for me again. All I could see on the stage were Abby's friends and classmates. The huge part of my life missing from me was all I could see.
I really think it had been building up for too long without me expressing anything. The start of the holiday season always pulls me down and this year I thought I could push the tears aside. I have had guilt building up for weeks because I have not been able to go to the cemetery. I have not taken her the pumpkin we picked out for her the first week of October. I could not get pumpkins carved for the other girls until the 30th. I have just felt some things spiraling.
I have been hoping that working at the school and mainly with the preschoolers would help me heal some and maybe fill in a little spot in that gaping hole I have. And some days it does. They bring me joy and I love each one of them, but there are times that I can't help but think, "that was Abby's cubby," "I remember seeing Abby sit at the yellow table eating her snack," " I brought her here just five years ago."
But, Tuesday is another day at school and I will have my emotions back in check.