Abrielle Neff Foundation: It Was Just Too Much

Friday, November 9, 2012

It Was Just Too Much

My strength gave way today and the tears fell despite my best efforts. It was just too in my face and I had no distractions. I apologize to those of you that saw me crumble as I really do try to keep that to the privacy of home. And I thank those of you that were there for support in one way or another. Your caring and understanding mean the world to me during those tough times.

It was just a Veteran's Day assembly at school and it should have been just that for me too. Instead, after we were seated with our students and formalities over, the fourth grade class began their songs. I fought through tears welling up on the first song and was not able to keep them from spilling over by the second song. I had to excuse myself and take some time to compose myself. I thought I had myself under control, but only lasted maybe another two minutes before it became too much for me again. All I could see on the stage were Abby's friends and classmates. The huge part of my life missing from me was all I could see.

I really think it had been building up for too long without me expressing anything. The start of the holiday season always pulls me down and this year I thought I could push the tears aside. I have had guilt building up for weeks because I have not been able to go to the cemetery. I have not taken her the pumpkin we picked out for her the first week of October. I could not get pumpkins carved for the other girls until the 30th. I have just felt some things spiraling.

I have been hoping that working at the school and mainly with the preschoolers would help me heal some and maybe fill in a little spot in that gaping hole I have. And some days it does. They bring me joy and I love each one of them, but there are times that I can't help but think, "that was Abby's cubby," "I remember seeing Abby sit at the yellow table eating her snack," " I brought her here just five years ago."

But, Tuesday is another day at school and I will have my emotions back in check.

1 comment:

UnknownNovember 25, 2012 at 10:10 PM
a friend posted this on a fb of a friend of hers that lost a child. i wanted to share it with u.

My Mom Lies”

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies. She never did before. From now until the day she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is, and because she can't explain, She will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my
Mom how she is, She'll say, “I'm alright”. If that's the truth, then tell me, why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is, She seems to cope so well. She didn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is, “I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping”. For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine. But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven. I cannot hug from here. So If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again, I'll smile and I'll be bold. I'll say, “You're lucky to get in here, Mom, With all the lies you told!”
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.