Christmas time makes the sadness and depression I battle so much worse. The "happy face" is harder to put on and the tears flow almost daily during this season. I switch to a "have to do this for my girls" mode and that's what keeps me going. I miss my Abby so much right now that I'm not sure I can describe the feelings inside. It's the little things that get me so often. Sometimes it's the twinkling Christmas lights on houses as we drive through town to show the girls their beauty. Sometimes it's the toys I see as I force myself to shop for gifts. Sometimes it's the music that is being played that stops me in my tracks. Sometimes it's someone saying, "You have a Merry Christmas with your family." There are days that it is so hard to pull myself from the "pity party" feelings of "this isn't fair!" and "why my little girl that was loved so much" to the "we were blessed with an angel for almost 4 years" where I try to keep myself. It gets harder as the reindeer on the advent calendar gets closer to that last star, meaning the big day is here. The "magic" of Christmas just isn't the same when we have to visit one daughter at the cemetery instead of watching her rip paper from packages.
I do want to say that there have been some wonderful moments that bring happy tears during this season too. It's the teachers that gather gifts for the Foundation instead of themselves. It's the friends that drag you out for lunch because you haven't felt like eating. It's the students that give their gifts from a Santa visit to the Foundation. It's the friends that come over to help wrap gifts and keep you company because they know you won't get it done otherwise. It's the friend that searched until they found solar Christmas lights for you to put on Abby's tree at the cemetery (and it looks beautiful! I cried when I saw them on in the dark.) It's the friend that comes over to give you the motivation to get those homemade gifts done. It's the friend that helps you find the gifts they knew you wanted for the girls but didn't want to battle the crowds for. It's the friends that listen and support you everyday in the little things that sometimes can seem so big. I love all of you and couldn't get through this "most wonderful time of the year" without all of you.