Saturday, February 5, 2011

Sorry for the long time with no post.  I don't quite have a steady routine for myself yet, so computer time is usually what gets missed.  This is going to seem like a rambling post as I try to catch up on several things, so bear with me.  
Santa left gifts under our Abby Tree like usual for the Foundation.  There is no way that I can not have Abby involved in the Holiday and the girls love seeing what gets left for kids in the hospital. 

Avenue City School collected donations for the Foundation at Christmas time again this year and we really thank them!

We are planning a bagging either the end of February or the first part of March.

The Celebration will be June 12th at Beal Park.

Next weekend I will be speaking at CMH at the Rose Ceremony about organ donation.  It is the ceremony we attended last year to receive our certificate and rose from the Donate Life Rose Parade Float.  This year I will be sharing our story of donation to others receiving the honor of having their loved one represented on the float for the first time. 

I have been trying different methods to help battle the depression that has plagued me since losing Abby and exercise has really seemed to help with my struggles through the Holidays and beyond.  There have been so many times that I still feel I get those little gut shots of not having her here, but have held things inside instead of expressing them on here, which I am not sure has been good for me.  Basically my heart has been hurting, but I have been keeping my mask pulled down tight.  There has been Elly's Preschool concert, in which I was reminded of Abby so much.  There has been Elly just saying out of the blue, "Mommy, I miss Abby."  There has been the artwork that has come home showing our family and she has made sure to include her big sister (which makes me proud she knows).  It has been seeing the letter "A"s as Elly has learned to write them.  It was getting two girls ready for the Daddy Daughter Dance last night and having Mady speak my thoughts out loud saying, "There would be 3 of us going this year."  It has been Mady deciding she wants to wear her Abby fingerprint necklace every day now.  It's Elly asking to see Abby's room.  It's the similarities and same terminology that Elly uses for things that Abby did making me wonder if there is a special connection there (ie - "My knee has a headache.", refusing to wear socks, not thinking that dresses or nightgowns require panties underneath, wanting to sneak into bed with us at night)  Different aspects of the grief that (according to the cycle by the experts) should be passed by now, keep returning again and again.  I know earlier last year I came to the realization that I would take my grief with me to the grave, but I didn't realize that the stages would continually cycle.  The sleepless nights have plagued me again the last week, but for some reason, tears don't want to seem to fall.  It is like my body is keeping them locked inside for some reason.  I would say that I want the pain to go away and be over, but if I were honest that would be a lie.  It is through that pain that I feel like am to be the closest to my little girl.  It makes her seem more real.  If I hold on to the grief, it makes her never be forgotten, which is still my biggest fear.  I am afraid that sometimes my memories of her get muddled in my mind and just blend in with everything else, fading with time.         

1 comment:

  1. You don't know me, but I follow your story. You amaze me with your strength to move forward and to do what you have done in memory of your precious Abby. My heart breaks for you. No matter what the experts say, you have to learn to handle the pain in your own way. I would say there is no "normal" way to grieve, each person has to do it in their own way, so I wouldn't worry about that. Even if you find a way to relieve some of the pain, I don't think anyone close to you will be able to forget Abby. You have such a good thing going in the foundation and your family traditions to continue to hold her near to your family and friends. I just wanted to tell you that there are people supporting you and that I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless you and your family!