Monday, November 19, 2012

My Up is Lost


Has anyone seen it? 

I have just felt so overwhelmed lately that I have felt like I have been struggling to even know which way is up.  (Hopefully that makes sense)   I have just been wanting to curl up and cry.  I have not quite been able to put my finger on the cause....  It is likely so many things adding up which these months are good for.  The talk of Christmas.  The decorations out in the stores.  The music playing already.  The emails that have been flooding my inbox advertising all the big sales.  It all makes me miss my little girl so much and the void feels greater during the holidays.  How I wish that sometimes I can just hide away until the chaos is over.  

The good thing is that I have made it a week without my facade crumbling in public.  Support group last weekend was such a blessing.  I cried more there this time than I had in quite some time.  I left exhausted and drained, but feeling better after sharing with others who are experiencing the same things.  For five years we have been going to these meetings.  Five years and I still don't know when the holidays will be filled with only joy again.  Five years and I still look forward to each group meeting for some sort of healing.  

Both girls made memory rocks in their groups.  Elly also made a doll and filled a glove with play dough, both of which were to help with their feelings.  There were enough older siblings that Mady was able to be broke out into that group which she really enjoys.    

Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Bit of Hodge Podge

We finally managed to carve our jack-o-lanterns the day before Halloween and of course we had to make three.  We have to make a letter A for our Abrielle. The girls did great cleaning Abby's out and helping carve it.
Elly wanted to hold Abby's little pumpkin (the one I still have not taken to the cemetery) for the picture.

I need to send out some thanks for some recent donation. 
  • Thanks to the Heart of American Tractor Cruise for riding for our cause and donating to the Foundation.
  • Thanks to Mitch Meyers for sharing your birthday gifts with us.
  • Thanks to Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society for collecting items for Abby's Hugs and continuing to take care of the Clarinda program.

Friday, November 9, 2012

It Was Just Too Much

My strength gave way today and the tears fell despite my best efforts.  It was just too in my face and I had no distractions.  I apologize to those of you that saw me crumble as I really do try to keep that to the privacy of home.  And I thank those of you that were there for support in one way or another.  Your caring and understanding mean the world to me during those tough times. 

It was just a Veteran's Day assembly at school and it should have been just that for me too.  Instead, after we were seated with our students and formalities over, the fourth grade class began their songs.  I fought through tears welling up on the first song and was not able to keep them from spilling over by the second song.  I had to excuse myself and take some time to compose myself.  I thought I had myself under control, but only lasted maybe another two minutes before it became too much for me again.  All I could see on the stage were Abby's friends and classmates.  The huge part of my life missing from me was all I could see. 

I really think it had been building up for too long without me expressing anything.  The start of the holiday season always pulls me down and this year I thought I could push the tears aside.  I have had guilt building up for weeks because I have not been able to go to the cemetery.  I have not taken her the pumpkin we picked out for her the first week of October.  I could not get pumpkins carved for the other girls until the 30th.  I have just felt some things spiraling.

I have been hoping that working at the school and mainly with the preschoolers would help me heal some and maybe fill in a little spot in that gaping hole I have.  And some days it does.  They bring me joy and I love each one of them, but there are times that I can't help but think, "that was Abby's cubby,"  "I remember seeing Abby sit at the yellow table eating her snack," " I brought her here just five years ago." 

But, Tuesday is another day at school and I will have my emotions back in check.