At the beginning of the year Elly had to take items and pictures that were about her to school. Her turn to share these things was last week. As we were waiting to pick up Mady from school, I saw the bag of items in her backpack. We went through them one by one and she told me what she said about them and what her friends thought about them. Of course there was a picture of Abby included. When we got to it I continued the same as I had the others. Here is how our conversation went...
I told my friends that that is my sister Abby, but she died a long time ago in a car crash.
It was not that long ago but you were still in my tummy, almost ready to come out.
Oh. (long pause) Did Mady get died too?
No. Mady is still here with us.
Oh. Why did Abby get died?
She was hurt really bad and the doctors could not fix her.
Oh. Why did you want to have a car crash?
Mommy did not want to have a car crash. It was an accident.
Later in the evening when I was taking her into dance, I pointed out the small wooden cross on the roadside to her, telling her that was where the accident happened.
What is the cross for?
Just so people will remember.
Remember you had a car crash?
No. To remember Abby.
I know to a five year old, five years is a long time, but the tears still flow like it isn't.
I see Abby's classmates at school every day. Fourth graders. I just can't believe that is how big my little girl would be. One day it was the mere comment that fourth grade had a big class that brought tears to my eyes with the thought that they are missing one.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
2012 Memorial Service
Today was the Children's Mercy Hospital Celebration of Life Memorial Service. We have attended every year since we lost Abby and I still cry every year.
The girls left messages for Abby on the tree again this year.
Elly wrote out her own message this year.
It says I (heart) you Abby, in a mixed up order.
A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belong to our world.
But then it flies on again.
And though we wished it could have stayed, we feel lucky to have seen it.
This year the speakers were parents that we know from our support group. They spoke about their twin son they lost to CDH after 35 days.
In their name
Who are gone
These young hearts
These flawless souls
In their name
Let our lives grow
~Sascha Wagner
The girls always look forward to the butterfly release and this year we released monarchs instead of painted ladies.
The sky was filled with all the beautiful butterflies.
Days like these bring my grief to the front, but when I am surrounded by families that are experiencing the same thing, there is no reason to hide it. Elly was concerned about me and the fact that I was crying. I explained it was just because I was really missing Abby. So she snuggled up close, took my Kleenex, wiped my eyes and soon had a few tears of her own.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Celebration Approaching!
The Celebration is fast approaching! I hope your calendars are marked for the fun family event.
Celebration of Children
Sunday, June, 3rd
12-4
Beal Park
Telling Others
I have had several speaking engagements the last few weeks and have shared our story and information about the Foundation to different groups.
I spoke at the tree planting ceremony for Crime Victims Week at Mozingo again this year about the Foundation. There was a special remembrance this year for the ten year anniversary of the Conception Abbey shooting. I listened to Father Riechart talk about the tragedy and the trials he still faces in daily life. Ten years and the memories are still fresh for him, as I know they still will be for me. But he stated that he does not live his life in fear as he continues on with his mission. After the ceremony, I was approached about sharing our story across the state of Missouri. Every two years the video that is shown for education by the highway patrol on impaired driving is reproduced and they would like for us to be a part of it this year. I think it would be amazing if our little girl could touch that many lives.
The following morning I spoke to the local Optimist club about the Foundation and how we help children in the community. Several members were unaware of the many facets of the Foundation. I was contacted this week that they decided to make a donation to the Foundation!
I was invited to speak at the Mother Daughter Banquet at Parnell Methodist Church the first week in May. It was a wonderful surprise to see all the items that had been brought for donations for the Foundation! I was not expecting that at all. I started off with one of my speeches, but then evolved into more of a conversation with the ladies. It was a great setting and we discussed everything from the Foundation to grieving the loss of a child to organ donation. I was glad they invited me for the event.
Last week I spoke at the Treatment Center to the ICVC class. I am amazed how much our story touches these men each time I tell it. I always receive many comments thanking me for coming and how I have helped open their eyes to what their lifestyles cause. One man did not understand the ripple effect they talk about in class until after I told our story.
I spoke at the tree planting ceremony for Crime Victims Week at Mozingo again this year about the Foundation. There was a special remembrance this year for the ten year anniversary of the Conception Abbey shooting. I listened to Father Riechart talk about the tragedy and the trials he still faces in daily life. Ten years and the memories are still fresh for him, as I know they still will be for me. But he stated that he does not live his life in fear as he continues on with his mission. After the ceremony, I was approached about sharing our story across the state of Missouri. Every two years the video that is shown for education by the highway patrol on impaired driving is reproduced and they would like for us to be a part of it this year. I think it would be amazing if our little girl could touch that many lives.
The following morning I spoke to the local Optimist club about the Foundation and how we help children in the community. Several members were unaware of the many facets of the Foundation. I was contacted this week that they decided to make a donation to the Foundation!
I was invited to speak at the Mother Daughter Banquet at Parnell Methodist Church the first week in May. It was a wonderful surprise to see all the items that had been brought for donations for the Foundation! I was not expecting that at all. I started off with one of my speeches, but then evolved into more of a conversation with the ladies. It was a great setting and we discussed everything from the Foundation to grieving the loss of a child to organ donation. I was glad they invited me for the event.
Last week I spoke at the Treatment Center to the ICVC class. I am amazed how much our story touches these men each time I tell it. I always receive many comments thanking me for coming and how I have helped open their eyes to what their lifestyles cause. One man did not understand the ripple effect they talk about in class until after I told our story.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Give The Gift Of Life
April is National Donate Life Month.
I know many of you have heard our story of donation, but it is something we feel strongly about. I had always made it known that I wanted to be an organ donor if anything should happen to me. I had my license signed and told family my wishes. I just never imagined it would be a decision I would be making for my 3 year old instead. No one likes to think about their own death, much less that of their own child, but for us it was the easiest decision of the day. As soon as I arrived at CMH, a representative from Midwest Transplant Network was there to begin the process of sharing our daughter's life with others. As she went through the list of what organs and tissues we would be willing to give, marking yes beside each one for us, I paused at the corneas. Her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. That one was difficult, but we said yes hoping they would allow someone else to see the world the way she did. It was soon after the papers were finished that it was shared with us they knew where her liver would be going. It was going to bring new life to a little two year old boy in the same hospital. It was a moment of happiness knowing she was going to be helping another child. It was the next day that we received a phone call telling us Abby's kidneys were able to bring new life to a woman in her 30s. We had hoped that more organs would be able to be used, but due to the clotting agents and medications, the others were not. Organ donation has been the bright spots in the tragedy of losing our little girl. We hope that everyone will think about becoming a donor, a hero, and save lives.
Here is a link to other families stories on donation
http://www.mwtn.org/families/donor-stories
And a link to stories of recipients
http://www.mwtn.org/recipients/mtn-recipient-stories
I know many of you have heard our story of donation, but it is something we feel strongly about. I had always made it known that I wanted to be an organ donor if anything should happen to me. I had my license signed and told family my wishes. I just never imagined it would be a decision I would be making for my 3 year old instead. No one likes to think about their own death, much less that of their own child, but for us it was the easiest decision of the day. As soon as I arrived at CMH, a representative from Midwest Transplant Network was there to begin the process of sharing our daughter's life with others. As she went through the list of what organs and tissues we would be willing to give, marking yes beside each one for us, I paused at the corneas. Her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. That one was difficult, but we said yes hoping they would allow someone else to see the world the way she did. It was soon after the papers were finished that it was shared with us they knew where her liver would be going. It was going to bring new life to a little two year old boy in the same hospital. It was a moment of happiness knowing she was going to be helping another child. It was the next day that we received a phone call telling us Abby's kidneys were able to bring new life to a woman in her 30s. We had hoped that more organs would be able to be used, but due to the clotting agents and medications, the others were not. Organ donation has been the bright spots in the tragedy of losing our little girl. We hope that everyone will think about becoming a donor, a hero, and save lives.
Here is a link to other families stories on donation
http://www.mwtn.org/families/donor-stories
And a link to stories of recipients
http://www.mwtn.org/recipients/mtn-recipient-stories
Baby Steps
It seems strange to say that there are moments when I feel like I am finally beginning to heal because I honestly did not think it would ever happen. I never thought I could have times when the tears would dry up and I could just enjoy being a Mom to my other two girls, but I have experienced a few. I noticed that since Elly had reached age 4 and is approaching age 5, I had started grieving the things I have not gotten to experience with Abby. It was difficult filling out the Kindergarten papers knowing I never got to send Abrielle, but I kept the tears hidden. It was hard taking Elly to get her ears pierced knowing that Abby never was able to and with the memories of Mady having hers filling my head. (Abby kept trying to escape that day while my focus was on her big sister. She had other things she wanted to go see and do.) But there were no tears from me.
We finally let Mady have a slumber party for her birthday again which had not been done since she turned 6 in Kindergarten. It was her last birthday with her sister here. This year it was Elly running around trying to be a big girl instead of Abby. We even did some of the same things ~ roasting marshmallows and making smores in the fire. But there were no tears, just talks about the memories of the last time while we watched all the girls enjoy the night.
Last weekend was dance recital and this was the first time I made it through the entire day without any tears. Abby was in my thoughts as I helped Elly prepare for her dances and as I watched all the little girls on stage, but no tears, just memories.
I really hope this is a healing trend and that I can begin to experience more things without the tears. I know the memories will always be there but hopefully I can squelch the tears a little more often now.
We finally let Mady have a slumber party for her birthday again which had not been done since she turned 6 in Kindergarten. It was her last birthday with her sister here. This year it was Elly running around trying to be a big girl instead of Abby. We even did some of the same things ~ roasting marshmallows and making smores in the fire. But there were no tears, just talks about the memories of the last time while we watched all the girls enjoy the night.
Last weekend was dance recital and this was the first time I made it through the entire day without any tears. Abby was in my thoughts as I helped Elly prepare for her dances and as I watched all the little girls on stage, but no tears, just memories.
I really hope this is a healing trend and that I can begin to experience more things without the tears. I know the memories will always be there but hopefully I can squelch the tears a little more often now.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Missing Her
Tears stream down my face today as I miss my little Abrielle so much more today. But there are moments the tears just won't flow as it is my heart that is really crying. The pain I feel on this day has not lessened yet and it seems almost unreal for me to say I have been without her for 5 years now.
Five years.
One thousand, eight hundred, and twenty five days since my last kisses. My last I love yous. My last snuggles. My last moments shared with my Abrielle.
Today is the day I cannot seem to keep my emotions hidden behind my smiling mask. Today is the day it takes all my energy just to leave the bed. Today is the day that the sun does not shine in my life. Today is the day the pain of that tragic day cannot be squelched. Today is the day spent reliving the nightmare that has become the normal part of our life. Today I cannot pretend the pain does not exist. Today is the day I wish could change time to fix. Today life does not just go on for me. It comes to a screeching halt as it did five years ago. The sounds, the smells, the sights of that day flood my thoughts today as there is no way to avoid remembering what happened on this day that changed our lives forever.
The horrific sound of the impact of the vehicles.
The sudden pressure and pain I felt in my body.
The blackness.
The hissing and dripping sounds.
Mady's screams.
The "please wake me up from this bad dream" feeling.
The sight of my little girl's broken body.
The panic.
The screaming for Abby to breathe.
The sirens.
The overwhelming sense of peace. (I have never shared this on here before) I was screaming hysterically, "God, NO! No, no, no. Please!" as Abby stopped breathing. I had lifted her shirt to watch for signs but there was stillness. It was then that this sense of peace and comfort came over me. It was then that I heard "It's going to be okay" just as plain as if there was someone standing beside me speaking those words. It was then my hysteria stopped and I became unreasonably calm throughout the rest of the day. It was then that Abby started breathing again.
Five years and the pain and memories are just as vivid.
There is a void in my heart that cannot be filled and today it feeling like a gaping hole.
I love you and miss you Abrielle!
Five years.
One thousand, eight hundred, and twenty five days since my last kisses. My last I love yous. My last snuggles. My last moments shared with my Abrielle.
Today is the day I cannot seem to keep my emotions hidden behind my smiling mask. Today is the day it takes all my energy just to leave the bed. Today is the day that the sun does not shine in my life. Today is the day the pain of that tragic day cannot be squelched. Today is the day spent reliving the nightmare that has become the normal part of our life. Today I cannot pretend the pain does not exist. Today is the day I wish could change time to fix. Today life does not just go on for me. It comes to a screeching halt as it did five years ago. The sounds, the smells, the sights of that day flood my thoughts today as there is no way to avoid remembering what happened on this day that changed our lives forever.
The horrific sound of the impact of the vehicles.
The sudden pressure and pain I felt in my body.
The blackness.
The hissing and dripping sounds.
Mady's screams.
The "please wake me up from this bad dream" feeling.
The sight of my little girl's broken body.
The panic.
The screaming for Abby to breathe.
The sirens.
The overwhelming sense of peace. (I have never shared this on here before) I was screaming hysterically, "God, NO! No, no, no. Please!" as Abby stopped breathing. I had lifted her shirt to watch for signs but there was stillness. It was then that this sense of peace and comfort came over me. It was then that I heard "It's going to be okay" just as plain as if there was someone standing beside me speaking those words. It was then my hysteria stopped and I became unreasonably calm throughout the rest of the day. It was then that Abby started breathing again.
Five years and the pain and memories are just as vivid.
There is a void in my heart that cannot be filled and today it feeling like a gaping hole.
I love you and miss you Abrielle!
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