Thursday, March 18, 2010

Abby's Room

The day I entered Abby's room to find clothes, I was joined by the girls. I am usually in the room alone the whole time I am in there, but not this time. I had been sitting on the floor in the middle of her room, taking in all of her possessions still waiting for her, when I heard Mady calling. I answered, but she did not know where my voice was coming from, so I opened the door. She said, "Oh, you're in Abby's room." in a surprised voice. She came in too and rubbed on my back. As she was entering the room, I could hear little footsteps running in our direction. Elly rounded the hallway towards our bedroom, running right past Abby's room since she has never seen it open. I spoke her name, making her stop and spin around to find me. She said, "What's in there?" and came running. I immediately scooped her up and held her to prevent her from touching all the fun things. "I want that baby," was her first request for a toy, followed by many more. I tried to explain to her that it was Abby's room and her toys. She stopped fighting to get out of my arms then, looked at me and the tears running down my face, and was content to just look around the room, pointing out each little thing she saw. "That's Abby's duckie." "Abby has a Princess dress!" "Is that Abby's baby?" In her almost three years, she had never seen the door open, much less all the fun stuff kept behind it. We left the room together, not disturbing anything, except for the dirty laundry in her hamper I always try to inhale as much of her scent from, locking the door behind us.


  1. I had sorted some specific clothes of Brian's. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with everything, still thinking I would box it up and not feel pressured to get rid of anything. He died in March, we moved in July. Moving day was a buzz, and I stepped into my room and into the closet to grab something, and I just froze. Everything was gone, I mean everything. My clothes were gone, his clothes were gone. I was very angry because some good intentioned family just moved all the clothes. I was thinking, hello, he is dead. You just moved a dead guys clothes! And I wanted to have complete control over what parts of my new house involved Brian. Yet when I got to the new house, my big walk-in closet had all of my clothes hanging on one side, and all of Brian's hanging on the other side. Again, I was mad. I felt like everyone forgot that he was the last one to hang those clothes like that at the old house, and why in the heck did they need to be here now? Now, 2 years later, I have found that I like having his clothes hanging in my closet. I have worn a few things around the house. In hindsight, I'm not sure I'm glad the clothes got moved because it got me off the hook of making any decisions, but on the other hand, I love the familiarity of him being near me. No idea what I am going to do now that I am moving again...

    Long story, sorry. Just know that they are her things, and you can do with them whatever you choose.

  2. Girl, my heart goes out to you. You have gone through so much and then continuing in your everyday life for the sake of your other two daughters. I can't imagine how hard it is. Losing Jake is a hurt I'll never be without, but Jaci and I were able to draw on each other for strength. As for Abby's's fine the way it is and I know what you mean about the scent thing. March 24th Jake will have been gone 5 years and I still try to smell his scent off clothes or his pillow. I think it's still there,if not it's in my memory and that's good enough for me.
    Love you and know I'm here for you.

  3. Brenda, this was a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

    Miss seeing you!!