Today (yesterday for everyone reading) has been a day of forcing myself to do things. The fast approaching start of school is really beginning to wear on me. No matter what I try, the sadness seems to stay, clinging in the depths, allowing me to still put on my happy face, but bringing tears at night. I know that it is because Abby so loved preschool that this time of year brings up more emotions than other days. It's not that I miss her any more one day than I do the next, because I don't. It's the excitement in the air from all the other little kids preparing for the start of another year of learning. It's all the things that I can't avoid no matter how hard I try. It's that it just seems to make everything public that my little girl is gone. I just want to cry out to God "It's not fair!", "This sucks!", "I need my little girl back!" , but this is the path He gave me and the one I have to walk. Sleepless night, chills to the bone, a sadness that grabs the depths of me are just some of the things this path is bringing me right now.
Today was school registration that made the grief come flooding back. Despite my wonderful friend providing me with a much needed distraction while there, the fact was still in my face that I was just registering one girl for school instead of the two I should have been.
Tonight has been spent with lots of quiet time. I spent almost an hour just sitting outside on the bench by our memorial garden. I sat there crying as I listen to the wind. Mady has always told me that she can hear Abby in the wind, so I guess I was hoping to tonight too. Instead, the breeze gently blew, drying the tears that streamed down my face while two butterflies and a dragonfly danced in the sky.
This path that I'm on right now seems to have many curves and crossroads in it and I am still not sure where this path will lead, but I am on the journey just the same and that today is the best that I can do.
I apologize for my rambling tonight, but sometimes these emotions are just too difficult to put into words.