Abrielle Neff Foundation: A Forced Day

Friday, August 7, 2009

A Forced Day

Today (yesterday for everyone reading) has been a day of forcing myself to do things. The fast approaching start of school is really beginning to wear on me. No matter what I try, the sadness seems to stay, clinging in the depths, allowing me to still put on my happy face, but bringing tears at night. I know that it is because Abby so loved preschool that this time of year brings up more emotions than other days. It's not that I miss her any more one day than I do the next, because I don't. It's the excitement in the air from all the other little kids preparing for the start of another year of learning. It's all the things that I can't avoid no matter how hard I try. It's that it just seems to make everything public that my little girl is gone. I just want to cry out to God "It's not fair!", "This sucks!", "I need my little girl back!" , but this is the path He gave me and the one I have to walk. Sleepless night, chills to the bone, a sadness that grabs the depths of me are just some of the things this path is bringing me right now.

Today was school registration that made the grief come flooding back. Despite my wonderful friend providing me with a much needed distraction while there, the fact was still in my face that I was just registering one girl for school instead of the two I should have been.

Tonight has been spent with lots of quiet time. I spent almost an hour just sitting outside on the bench by our memorial garden. I sat there crying as I listen to the wind. Mady has always told me that she can hear Abby in the wind, so I guess I was hoping to tonight too. Instead, the breeze gently blew, drying the tears that streamed down my face while two butterflies and a dragonfly danced in the sky.

This path that I'm on right now seems to have many curves and crossroads in it and I am still not sure where this path will lead, but I am on the journey just the same and that today is the best that I can do.

I apologize for my rambling tonight, but sometimes these emotions are just too difficult to put into words.

2 comments:

AnonymousAugust 9, 2009 at 11:25 AM
Sending extra prayers for you.

Amber
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LeslieAugust 16, 2009 at 4:17 PM
Brenda, Just want you to know I think about you and your sweet family often. Your courage and dedication to Abby's Hugs touches me so much. What a blessing your family is. May God keep you in His loving hands. Les
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.