Wednesday, January 28, 2009


A scrapbook site I follow challenged us to create a page with our "Word of the Year" to help inspire us to reach our personal goals. I pondered on my word for a while, trying to decide exactly what one fit best for this point in my life. I finally chose "believe". Here is my page.

I pulled out different definitions of the word that apply to what I need to work on in my life. I have struggled with these since we lost Abby and hopefully looking at this everyday with help me in accomplishing my goals for each one. They say~

Have trust ~ I have always been a self-reliant person, so I have had to try and change my ways now and rely on other people to help me when I need it. It's been tough on some things, but I'm working on it. I realize that I am not a superhero (finally).

Accept something as true ~ This applies in different ways to my life right now. This may sound strange, but there are times I think I can open the door to Abby's room and she will be in there playing. I can just envision her sitting on the floor on her knees, playing with her Barbies, and she would spin around to look at me and say, "Hi Mommy" in her sweet little voice. I also have to accept the fact that I did my best to save us all in the accident, which is a major struggle for me still. Those that are close to me know I still blame myself everyday and practically cringe when I have to get behind the wheel with my girls in the back seat.

Think something is good ~ Not that the loss of my little girl is good, but I have to believe that letting her go to Heaven is better than how she would have been left, that would not have been fair to her. The other aspect is that we are able to make something good come from it for others, whether it be through organ donation or the Foundation.

To accept that somebody or something has a particular quality or ability ~ I am wanting to begin to function through life on my own again, not without people support, but without medication. I want to get rid of the "happy pills" and try to tackle things as "just me" again. I have to believe that I can do this. I don't want to go around crying all the time, but I don't want to feel numb either. I want to be me again. I know I may still battle depression, how can I not with my little girl gone, but I plan on giving it a try without the pills very soon.

Have religious faith ~ If this doesn't test your religious faith, I don't know what would. I admire those that cling to the cross more tightly during these times, but I just have not been able to. I still battle being angry at God.

Think that something exists ~ I have always believed in God and Heaven, but this kind of goes back to the "have religious faith" one.

So, I guess this is kind of like my resolution for the year on a personal level. Pray for me as I try to "believe" this year and hopefully can find some peace deep inside.


  1. I will continue to pray for you~~~!!!big hugs, Darla

  2. This page is so beautiful! It moves me to tears with its simple beauty. Brenda, you are truly talented and I pray this page helps you heal.