Abrielle Neff Foundation: "Believe"

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Believe"

A scrapbook site I follow challenged us to create a page with our "Word of the Year" to help inspire us to reach our personal goals. I pondered on my word for a while, trying to decide exactly what one fit best for this point in my life. I finally chose "believe". Here is my page.

I pulled out different definitions of the word that apply to what I need to work on in my life. I have struggled with these since we lost Abby and hopefully looking at this everyday with help me in accomplishing my goals for each one. They say~

Have trust ~ I have always been a self-reliant person, so I have had to try and change my ways now and rely on other people to help me when I need it. It's been tough on some things, but I'm working on it. I realize that I am not a superhero (finally).

Accept something as true ~ This applies in different ways to my life right now. This may sound strange, but there are times I think I can open the door to Abby's room and she will be in there playing. I can just envision her sitting on the floor on her knees, playing with her Barbies, and she would spin around to look at me and say, "Hi Mommy" in her sweet little voice. I also have to accept the fact that I did my best to save us all in the accident, which is a major struggle for me still. Those that are close to me know I still blame myself everyday and practically cringe when I have to get behind the wheel with my girls in the back seat.

Think something is good ~ Not that the loss of my little girl is good, but I have to believe that letting her go to Heaven is better than how she would have been left, that would not have been fair to her. The other aspect is that we are able to make something good come from it for others, whether it be through organ donation or the Foundation.

To accept that somebody or something has a particular quality or ability ~ I am wanting to begin to function through life on my own again, not without people support, but without medication. I want to get rid of the "happy pills" and try to tackle things as "just me" again. I have to believe that I can do this. I don't want to go around crying all the time, but I don't want to feel numb either. I want to be me again. I know I may still battle depression, how can I not with my little girl gone, but I plan on giving it a try without the pills very soon.

Have religious faith ~ If this doesn't test your religious faith, I don't know what would. I admire those that cling to the cross more tightly during these times, but I just have not been able to. I still battle being angry at God.

Think that something exists ~ I have always believed in God and Heaven, but this kind of goes back to the "have religious faith" one.

So, I guess this is kind of like my resolution for the year on a personal level. Pray for me as I try to "believe" this year and hopefully can find some peace deep inside.

2 comments:

AnonymousJanuary 28, 2009 at 8:27 AM
I will continue to pray for you~~~!!!big hugs, Darla
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AnonymousFebruary 3, 2009 at 11:39 PM
This page is so beautiful! It moves me to tears with its simple beauty. Brenda, you are truly talented and I pray this page helps you heal.
Carla
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.