Abrielle Neff Foundation: The High Road

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The High Road

Sometimes it's hard to take, but time after time I have chosen the "high road" when dealing with hurtful comments about losing my Abby. The thought that some people can be so inconsiderate and down right cruel in what they say just astounds me and brings me to a couple of different conclusions. One is that they are ignorant to the soul-stabbing pain that losing a child causes and the gaping wound that is left behind. Another is that they are so self-centered that they can't see beyond their own noses to even attempt to feel compassion for another human being. A third is that they enjoy attempting to bring down another person's spirits and keep shoving them back into the pit of grief no matter how hard they are trying to climb out. So with that being said, I am at a crossroad yet again. Do I take the high road? (Of course.) The comments left on the blog have to be approved by me, thankfully, so others won't be subjected to the meanness, but I still have to read them. Mean, hurtful comments are left anonymously for me to delete. The blog has different options that I can take and have considered. One is making the blog private, meaning I have to invite anyone to read it. Another is not allowing anonymous comments. While these would solve the problem, I feel it goes against what I am trying to do in this blog. I want to keep the public, not just a select few people, informed of the happenings of the Foundation and I want people to feel free to leave notes and messages. Another option is to block out the specific computer by its ip address (which I have), but part of me does not want to do this either. I want this person to be able to see what good things the Foundation is doing, the lives being touched, and the spirit of Abrielle living on. I want them to see and understand that the Foundation will be around forever (I know Mady will take over the reigns someday to keep her sister's memory alive) and it is not a pity-party thing we made up for the short time, despite what they think. So as I choose again to just delete the comments, I hope the author takes the time and hugs their kids, tells their family they love them, and tries to learn compassion. That being said, please feel free to leave comments, notes, messages, whatever on this site as it is open to the public now and always will be.

10 comments:

AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 9:23 AM
I just wanted to send you the warmest hugs and love,,,, I cant believe anyone could say anything harmful to you or your family at all. It really makes me mad and sick to my stomache~~ what is wrong with people? I commend you for taking the high road because to tell you the truth, you are a lot better person than me, I have a very big mouth and would probably have to tell them what I thought~I applaud you for what you and your family are doing with this foundation, the love that it has shown~~Abby is smiling down on you.Dont waste your time and energy on stupid people that doesnt have anything better to do with their time. Maybe they should be making a difference in this world too. sorry so long~sending lots of love hugs and prayers for you to stay strong~~Darla Rauch
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AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 12:25 PM
I am sorry about the anonymous hurtful comments. Some people can be downright cruel. I enjoy reading your update about the foundation and seeing beautiful pictures of your girls. Your family is so inspiring and the fact that you can take a tragedy and do such wonderful things for others is incredible. Thank you for sharing your journey and all the wonderful things you are doing through the foundation.
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RLfastMarch 4, 2009 at 3:24 PM
I never would have thought in a million years ANYONE would try to post hurtful comments on your blog????? I love reading your blog and think it's great what you have done with the foundation. I can see that you will take the high road!

Only a sick and twisted individual would leave a rude comment on here...
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AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 4:05 PM
My heart aches for you. You are such an inspirational person Brenda and anyone who would want to hurt you or your family anymore than you already are is living a very sad life and I feel sorry for them. Please continue to post, I love reading your blogs. Amber Thompson
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Jenni HalleyMarch 4, 2009 at 8:13 PM
You have done a good job of summing up just what the problem is. I think you are right to take the high road and continue to make this blog about honoring Abby. I laughed out loud when I read the pity party part...are you kidding me? You didn't lose your job or have a zit or your hard drive on your computer didn't crash...your child is dead for God sakes, and no one can ever understand. Even those who have lost someone close, even those who have lost a child, can't completely understand what it is like for you to have lost your Abrielle Lauryn Neff. Just let the delete button be your friend and thanks for continuing to share with the rest of us that do wish to be a part of you honoring Abby.
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AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 8:27 PM
Although I do not know you, I read your blog daily. I love what you have done to honor your beautiful daughter. I cannot imagine that someone could be so cruel. My children ages 3 and 5 have both received stuffed animals from this foundation and I thank you for helping others. You are an inspiration to me and I am amazed at how strong of a woman you are. I want you to know that I pray for your family daily.
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AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 9:17 PM
What a cruel thing for someone to say anything bad about Abby's Foundation or your blog. Shame on them. All I can say is that I will pray for those people who are giving negative feedback to you and your family. Also will be praying for God to help you all through this horrible time in your lives.
Love, Aunt Laura
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AnonymousMarch 7, 2009 at 8:13 AM
This goes back to something my momma used to tell me, which I now go on to tell my own kids: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. My son has received many animals from your foundation (he's very accident prone), and just wanted to say thank you.
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Carla R.March 11, 2009 at 12:35 AM
Brenda, I am sorry that someone left such hurtful comments. You know, they don't have to read the blog and definetly don't have to comment. I have been so moved by your blog as I don't understand what you are going through until I read it...and I still just have to empathize. No one knows except those who have had a similar experience. You keep right on with this blog knowing we all support you. I pray for you and your family. Carla
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AnonymousMarch 31, 2009 at 11:52 PM
I don't think that you should delete comments that you think are hurtful from the blog. You decided to put things that some people would take as hurtful on this blog, so why can't other people. Maybe what you take as hurtful, others just take as an opinion or just a comment. You decided to open yourself up to everyone's comments (hurtful or not) when you started the blog. Everyone has an opinion. No one has to agree with your opinion. I think you should rethink screening people's blog comments.
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.