Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Struggle Has Begun...

I was hoping that somehow Abby's second Heavenly Birthday would be easier than the first, but it doesn't appear it's going to be. It seems as that fateful day draws closer, I am having to fight harder to ward off the depression and maintain my composure. The mask that keeps my emotions hidden feels too heavy to put on some days and it would be so much easier to just stay in bed and let the day go on without my input. As much as I want to, I can't. My other two girls need a Mommy to take care of them and not a blob under the covers. It might seem strange to some that it is a battle to put your feet on the floor each morning, but that is what depression and grief do to you. I am winning that one, as I am getting up each day, going to work, and trying to handle the other normal daily occurrences. But there are other struggles I am not winning yet. It seems my mind is in a fog. I struggle to remember things and have difficulty concentrating. I am trying to stay busy to ward off these issues, but that's not working yet. The sleepless nights are returning along with the vivid flashbacks. The tears, loss of appetite and muscle tension are here. I am not telling this to receive any type of sympathy, just want everyone to be aware for two reasons. One is because I am obviously not myself, so please bear with me if I seem distant or forget something. It is nothing personal by any means. It is just my internal battle. The second reason is because I want to make everyone aware that grief is not gone after almost two years. Society leads everyone to believe that there is a set time frame to grieve and after that you are healed. That is not so, as I am discovering. I was hoping the one year mark was going to be that magical day, but when I woke up one year and one day after losing Abby, the hurt was still the same. I am not sure when it eases up, but I hope that someday soon I finally begin to experience some sort of relief from the daily pain of losing my little girl. As the 29th approaches, please keep our family in your prayers. And please pray for the Halley family as they experience Brian's first Heavenly Birthday.

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