Christmas Number 3

This was our third Christmas spent with Abby in Heaven. I don't know that I would say I "count" the holidays spent without our Abrielle here, but it's more that I just know. While it was better that year one, I don't know that I can say it was better than year two. In fact, it may have been the opposite. We were snowed in like most everyone else, so the distraction of playing cards and games with our local family was not there. Instead, we did our best to stay busy playing with the girls all day, but Mom and Dad are only fun for so long. That's when that spot of emptiness begins to spread, bringing tears. That's when the fact that one little girl is missing can no longer be "distracted" away. To make things worse, that snow also kept us from going to see our little girl and has in fact still kept us from visiting her resting place. (I understand that cemeteries are not a top priority for crews to clean and am patiently waiting for the drive to be cleaned out so we can scoop our way to Abby's grave the way we did after the last snow storm.)

Three stockings were hung from the hangers on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa to fill two of them.

Santa did not forget about Abrielle though. He left stuffed animals and games under our Abby tree for the Foundation.

Some of the sights of Elly enjoying her new Christmas gifts were almost too much as she reminded us so much of her older sister this year. She too loves to dress up and received a trunk full of Barbie Princess dress up clothes. Elly immediately stripped down to put on the fancy clothes, just like Abby did the year she received hers.

I also want to apologize for my lack of posting these last few weeks, but to be honest, the holidays have been hard for me. Getting through the day is just about all I get accomplished some days. I have quite a bit to catch up on for Foundation posts and will do that soon. Thanks for your support and understanding.

Happy Holidays?

Christmas time makes the sadness and depression I battle so much worse. The "happy face" is harder to put on and the tears flow almost daily during this season. I switch to a "have to do this for my girls" mode and that's what keeps me going. I miss my Abby so much right now that I'm not sure I can describe the feelings inside. It's the little things that get me so often. Sometimes it's the twinkling Christmas lights on houses as we drive through town to show the girls their beauty. Sometimes it's the toys I see as I force myself to shop for gifts. Sometimes it's the music that is being played that stops me in my tracks. Sometimes it's someone saying, "You have a Merry Christmas with your family." There are days that it is so hard to pull myself from the "pity party" feelings of "this isn't fair!" and "why my little girl that was loved so much" to the "we were blessed with an angel for almost 4 years" where I try to keep myself. It gets harder as the reindeer on the advent calendar gets closer to that last star, meaning the big day is here. The "magic" of Christmas just isn't the same when we have to visit one daughter at the cemetery instead of watching her rip paper from packages.

I do want to say that there have been some wonderful moments that bring happy tears during this season too. It's the teachers that gather gifts for the Foundation instead of themselves. It's the friends that drag you out for lunch because you haven't felt like eating. It's the students that give their gifts from a Santa visit to the Foundation. It's the friends that come over to help wrap gifts and keep you company because they know you won't get it done otherwise. It's the friend that searched until they found solar Christmas lights for you to put on Abby's tree at the cemetery (and it looks beautiful! I cried when I saw them on in the dark.) It's the friend that comes over to give you the motivation to get those homemade gifts done. It's the friend that helps you find the gifts they knew you wanted for the girls but didn't want to battle the crowds for. It's the friends that listen and support you everyday in the little things that sometimes can seem so big. I love all of you and couldn't get through this "most wonderful time of the year" without all of you.

Preschool Visit

I took gifts from the Foundation to the preschoolers at Eugene Field Elementary School yesterday. They were able to choose from a teeny beenie stuffed animal along with either a small notebook or small box of crayons.

St Gregory's Help Out

Friday I went to St Gregory's School where the first and seventh graders decorated cards as a service project. They also brought in donations that I will share later.

Ornaments

Each one of these have a special meaning and that is why they are placed upon our Abby tree.

Abrielle loved Disney movies like most little kids, but had a few favorites. She was in love with the movie "Cars". In fact she would pop in the DVD just to play the song "Life is a Highway" so she could sing and dance. "The Little Mermaid" was another one that she loved to sing the songs to, especially "A Part of Your World". Barbies were another of her loves and you will find several of those throughout the tree.


"Finding Nemo" was the first and probably only movie Abby sat through entire thing. She loved that movie. Our Saturday mornings were filled with "her shows" which included "Stanley and his Great Big Book of Everything."

Rollie Pollie Ollie was on this list of "shows" watched every weekend too. Of course we have a JackJack ornament on the tree too. It's a grey kitty playing with a mouse.

Every time we hear the Chicken Dance song, we think of our little girl and her doing that cute little wing flap. The ornament plays the song and now her sisters are able to dance along. You can also see a couple of the memorial ornaments that hang on her tree in this picture.
Abby loved her Elmo, so of course I had to find one to hang on her tree.
And we couldn't have an Abby tree without a letter A! You can also see one of the ornaments that was given to her by Mema for her to have on her own tree someday. There are four of those on the tree ~ one for every Christmas she was here. Hanging above the A is the Little Einstein's Red Rocket. This was another of her "shows" and we have 2 of these on the tree and one plays the theme song from the show.
My Little Ponies was another thing Abby loved to play with her Sissy.

The engraved ornament was a gift for our Abby tree from a friend, the white ornament with her birth date was sent to us from CMH, and the little kitty gymnast on the balance beam was just perfect for her tree to show her love of gymnastics.

We love what each one of these ornaments (and the ones I didn't show) represent on Abby's tree. Each year as we open the boxes, we will be greeted by the memories that each one of these hold. There is one more very special ornament that is hung on every one of our trees along with Grandparents and other relatives.

This glass ornament was made by the Daniels family and given to us by Cole.

Abby's Pink Tree

We added some new ornaments to the pink tree we take to the cemetery this year. Of course they were more Disney Princess and Cars ornaments.

I was really hoping to find some solar powered Christmas tree lights to add to the tree, but all I could find were in huge lengths (35+ feet). Maybe next year I'll be able to find some so that Abby's tree will be lit up for her. We were wanting to have her tree to her by now, but with the snow, decided to wait a bit. It will be there by the weekend though for her.

Animal Donation

I was given these cuties from Hannah Miller ~

Certificate of Appreciation

I received a package in the mail from the Department of Health and Human Services that contained a picture of me with the Certificate of Appreciation for Abrielle from the National Donor Recognition Ceremony we attended in Washington, DC in July.



Also included was a video of the ceremony and if I can figure out how, I will try to upload part of it to the blog for all to see.

Mac n Cheese

I wanted to share another layout I did for the favorite food challenge at GoodGriefBlog. Anyone that knew Abrielle was sure to know what her favorite food was ~ mac n cheese. She loved that stuff! It didn't matter if we went out to a nice restaurant, she wanted to order "mac-e-roni".


The journaling reads, "Abrielle loved mac and cheese! Her absolute favorite! Should could not help herselft from cleaning out the pan one night after supper. She got a little messy, but sure looked cute."

"Abby Tree"

The girls and I decided to decorate our "Abby Tree" last night since we had the others up already. Marc was gone to a basketball game, but I did quite well on my own. My "job" was taking the ornaments out of the boxes and handing them off to the girls for them to hang up. We added a few more ornaments this year, but not many. I had found a couple more Nemo and Cars ones that I had to buy.
Mady wanted to string the pink star garland on her own and did a good job with it. She also did the honors of putting the star on top.

Games

Today I'm sharing another layout I completed for a challenge at GoodGriefBlog to document a game played together.

The journaling reads, "We are a game playing family, so it was no surprise that Santa brought Abrielle her first game at 18 months. That was Old MacDonald, and we wore that game out. Her last favorites to play were her Nemo Go Fish and Dora Memory. Every Sunday evening we would play games together as a family. Abby also really looked forward to when her Aunt Becci would come out because she would play game after game with the girls. Photo ~ Christmas 2004"

Two Trees Are Up

Despite me not wanting to have them out yet, we put up the two main Christmas trees in the house over the weekend, one on Friday night and one on Saturday. It is good that we do this a little at a time for me because I am not sure that I can handle being thrown into the holiday in one big shove. It is still hard for me to decorate the trees. There are just too many memories associated with this event that it really makes me realize I'm missing a little girl to help. The ornaments we hang have been held in her little hands. The magical ornaments have had their buttons pushed by her little fingers as she watched in amazement the first time Mickey Mouse danced or Winnie the Pooh ice skated. The beads have been draped so lovingly by Abby in years past, even if they were all in the same spot. The angel on the top has been placed there by Abrielle as Marc hoisted her up to the top to do the honors in the years it was her turn. The trees themselves have held her gifts beneath them that she was so excited to see. I do my best to not dwell on these facts as we are making new memories with our other girls, but it is a tough. It is the beginning of another Christmas in our house and I am not sure that our third year without her here will be any easier than last year.

JackJack Update

Sorry everyone that I failed to post that JackJack is finally back to his old self. It took a bit longer than what they thought it would and he was still having small tremors in his back until last Monday. But he is now running around like nothing happened. We have noticed a few differences in his personality, but otherwise, we have the same rotten cat back we had before. I am so thankful!

Fall Photos

Last weekend Lisa Loe come out to take pictures of the girls. We took some inside the house and the rest up at one of the barns. Since we were outside, I decided to use Abrielle's little "cowgirl boots" in the pictures. She LOVED those little boots! In fact she pulled them on the last night we had her to run outside and help her Daddy lay some landscaping blocks around the fencepost. The little boots have laid tossed in the middle of her bedroom floor ever since that night. Here is a link to the photos we took www.loephotos.com

Thanks To You

Thank you GoodSearch and GoodShop users! We just received $209.90! All because you cared enough to click one or two extra clicks!

Let's Dance

This is another layout I did while participating in the GoodGriefBlog online crop.

This is from May 2006 at my cousin Missy's wedding dance. Abby grabbed Landry (my cousin's little boy) and danced away. It was just so cute to watch them dancing together.

It Hit Me

Sunday I was dragged along to go Christmas shopping by Jeanette, Wendy, and Teresa (thanks girls:) in Kansas City. This is actually the best way to get me to go shopping, otherwise I would just keep putting it off. I had the mind set that I was not going to let things bother me as I went about the stores. Good plan, but it didn't work like I had hoped. We pretty well stayed together in Toys R Us, which I think helped keep me distracted. Yes, I did see some things and think about Abby, such as the V-Smile display, but no tears. I was feeling proud of myself, thinking I had conquered the hardest store on the trip, but I was wrong. Our next stop proved to me that I can only hold things in for so long.


We went to Gordman's. This sure doesn't sound like a store that should make me upset, since it's not a children's store, but I was physically ill in here. I went in my own direction, sharing a cart with Teresa. At first I was shopping and looking at things like normal, nothing bringing up memories for me. But as I ventured over to the Mady's clothes, my stomach began to feel queasy. I thought that maybe I was just needing something to eat and went on towards Elly's section. Elly's clothes are now on the same rack as the size that Abby was wearing. I noticed and caught a couple of tears. Then it hit me. I knew I was not going to be able to pass off the feeling as hunger much longer. I found Teresa several aisles over, handed off the cart, and made a dash for the bathroom. I could not believe I was throwing up in the store. I really was not sure what was wrong. Could I be coming down with the flu? As I stood in the stall for a minute, I realized why my stomach was acting this way. This was my first trip back to this store since we lost Abby. This might sound odd, but this has to be the cause. In March of 2007, Steph and I went to KC to watch the Extreme Home Makeover house being built. While we were there, we did some shopping, with Gordman's being one of the stops. There I purchased several outfits for the girls for the spring weather we were having and a few summer things. Abby's hang in her closet, tags attached, never worn.



Everything in between the bumble bee costume and the light blue shirt are purchases I made that day. Still hanging and waiting.

JackJack Part 2

Thursday
4:30 pm ~ Marc and Elly pick JackJack up from the vet. He must be coming around because he is not too happy to be in the carrier. At home he, is very happy to be there and is super lovely.

7 pm ~ I call home again to check on JackJack. He is curled up with Marc and Elly and even enjoying Elly's loves. He is still having some tremors or muscle spasms.

8:30 pm ~ I arrive home to find JackJack stretched out in a chair upstairs. He is still pretty dopey but I can tell he is glad to see me finally. He meows a real funny meow and doesn't sound like himself.

9 pm ~ I scoop JackJack up out of the chair and he is limp as I carry him downstairs to snuggle with me. Normally JackJack does not like to be carried at all, but he did not resist. Insteaed he just cries a funny meow. Downstairs he stretches out next to me on the loveseat and sleeps as long as I have a hand on him. When I remove my hand, he wakes up. He continues having tremors throughout his back. There are moments he acts goofy and I am hoping it is still just the medications in his system and not permanent damage.

10:30 pm ~ I decide to leave JackJack sleeping on the couch and go up to bed. He wakes up and decides he wants to go to bed with me. He falls off the couch and staggers crookedly towards me and the stairs. He stands in front of me, meowing and looking at me. I scoop him up and carry him up to bed to sleep at my feet.

Friday
5:30 am ~ JackJack jumps off the bed and I hear him jingle his way downstairs. This gives me hope that he is coming around.

6:30 am ~ JackJack is waiting on the bathtub for me to get out of the shower like usual. I am thrilled to see him up there, knowing this must mean he is feeling better. I pet him and he looses his balance, falling in the tub. He has difficulty with the motor skills in his back legs and I see spasms down his back. His meow is back to the normal JackJack sound.

Just wanted to update everyone on the health of our JackJack following the seizures yesterday. We are hoping that by Sunday or Monday all the medication will have worked its way out of his system and we will know if there is any permanent damage.

The JackJack Saga Continues ~

Wednesday night

9 pm ~ While petting JackJack on my lap, I notice a flea under his chin. His escapades outdoors must have taken him to some places he should not have been.

10 pm ~ Marc applies flea medicine to the back of JackJack's neck. As I head upstairs to read in bed.

I noticed at some point in the night that there was no kitty curled up at my feet, but just thought he was downstairs sleeping with Marc since he fell asleep on the couch.

Thursday morning

6 am ~ The alarm goes off and I hit snooze, probably more than once. Strange, no cat in my face wanting me to get up.

6:30 am ~ Finally decide I HAVE to get out of bed. Head to the shower, but no kitty following. Upon exiting the shower, still no JackJack waiting to give me my morning kisses. I begin to think he escaped again. I call to him. I hear a jingle. Yea! JackJack is under the bed and comes to greet me, barely able to walk. His eyes are fluttering, his whole body twitching and he barely meows a greeting. I grab him and try to console him, not knowing what's happening. We probably moved the fastest getting ready than we have in a long time.

7:15 am ~ JackJack is loaded into the carrier and into my car in the backseat with the girls, still shaking, and we head into town. Mady and Elly talk to him the whole way in to try and keep him calm. He has started shaking bad enough the whole carrier shakes.

7:45 am ~ After dropping off both girls, I arrive at the vet. I open the door to get JackJack out and he begins having a full seizure. Tears flow as I take him into the office. They take JackJack from me and I tell them that we gave him flea medication last night and when we woke up he was having tremors. They decide he is having an allergic reaction to the medication that is causing him to have seizures. They tell me he will be given a bath to wash the rest of the stuff off of him, started on some meds to stop the seizures, and given IV fluids. I am told it will take some time before we know if he will come out of it. I leave the vet's office in tears, not knowing what the outcome will be.

9:45 am ~ I receive a phone call from the vet. They say he is doing better - no big seizures, but still having tremors. He has been bathed, on Valium, and is hooked up to IVs still. They said it is a waiting game now to see what the effects are. Still unsure if he will have to stay overnight. Might take up to 3 days before the effects are known.

1:00 pm ~ I am still a nervous wreck. I decide to take a trip down to the vet's office to check on JackJack. I am told he is doing so much better and only having tremors in his ears. I am taken back to see him. He is off the IVs, but still dopey. His ears are still shaking, but that is it. He knows me and is happy to see me. I am able to give him love and feel so much better after seeing him. He will be able to go home tonight. I am told to keep him in the house for a couple of days to keep a closer eye on him. No escape acts for JackJack.

mommy's girl

This is another layout I did for the online crop at GoodGriefBlog. We were to use a poem on our page. I chose to use "Why God Made Little Girls".

God made the world with
towering trees, majestic
mountains, and restless seas.
Then paused and said,
It needs one more thing....
someone to laugh and
dance and sing.
To walk in the woods and gather
flowers....to commune with
nature in quiet hours."
So God made little girls with
laughing eyes and bouncing curls,
with joyful hearts,
and infectious smiles,
enchanting ways and
feminine wiles.
And when He'd completed
the task He'd begun,
He was pleased and proud
of the job He'd done.
For the world, when seen
through a little girl's eyes
greatly resembled Paradise.

Abby is one in this picture. In going through pictures and putting my memories on paper, I get mad at myself because I failed to write ages on the backs of them. So now I'm left to guess what age she is in them.

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JackJack's Home

Thank you everyone for your concern! I can't tell you how much time I spent outside Sunday looking for him. I was in tears most of the day and had my stomach in knots thinking something had happened to him and I was letting Abby down. We donned our orange multiple times and searched the pasture with no luck. Mady made the comment that, "Mommy, no one's going to shoot JackJack because he's wearing his orange too." Finally as we were sitting down to eat supper after dark, we heard something. I checked the garage and nothing was there. We heard the noise again and it was JackJack knocking on the patio door! You have no idea how happy I was to see him! Rotten cat! All those tears and making myself sick for no reason.

Quick Update

Just a quick update that JackJack is back home! I'll update more later.

JackJack's Missing!

Today I've been a mess. Our JackJack is missing! My best guess is that he managed to get outside as everyone was leaving after scrapbooking. It was after 1:30 in the morning, so I just did a couple of things and then went to bed. I did notice that he did not come jump in bed with me, but I thought with all the activity of the day he was just still downstairs sleeping on the back of the couch. When I woke this morning I knew something was amiss when he was not right there under foot. I searched the house and then started outside, hoping he would be close. No such luck. I have taken several trips around the area hoping to find him, but no luck there either. Needless to say there have been a lot of tears today as we promised to take care of Abby's JackJack for her. Please come home JackJack!

Proud Winner

Mary Riggs with the Northwest tshirt quilt she won.

the Streak

How about a funny memory today.

I participated in an online challenge crop this weekend at GoodGriefblog and created pages about Abby. Here's one for a challenge of only using cardstock and chipboard for any of you scrappers out there. Everyone else, here's another page for my memory book.

The journaling reads ~ Ever since she was big enough to walk, Abby loved to streak. As soon as her feet hit the floor after bath, she was off. The towel usually did not make it much further than the hallway before it was off. Then the chase was on to get her jammies on her.

Photo about 9-10 months

Weekend Events

This past weekend we attended a grief support meeting provided by CMH. This time the topic was Handling the Holidays, a topic that we need help with every year. We were able to catch up with friends we've made there before and meet some new ones experiencing their first holidays without their child. We were also able to take the girls for a session just for kids. They made memory boxes and did other play therapy while talking about their sibling.

After the support group meeting, I went to visit the Degase's at the hospital. I took Deryk things from the Foundation, including a lizard, a car, and a stuffed iguana. I think he enjoyed them. In visiting Deryk, I had to go to the PICU. The last time I was there was when we said goodbye to Abby. Wow, was that tough. I had my brave face on, but it really bothered me to be in that space again, just a few rooms down from where we were two and a half years ago.

WINNER!

The winner of the Northwest t-shirt quilt was drawn on Saturday. The winner.... Mary Riggs from Maryville! In total, $1442.00 was raised for the two charities! WOW!

Have You Seen Them?!

They came in just before the parade and look GREAT! Here's a look in case you haven't seen being shown off in public yet ~

(hoodies also available in gray)

We ordered these for those of us walking in the parade to start and now there have been enough requests for the fleeces and hoodies that we are going to re-order. If you would like one, leave me a comment or email me your sizes and we will get yours ordered.

EFE Second Graders

Thursday I was presented a check from Eugene Field Elementary School's second graders for the Foundation. They raised $136.00 during their Pumpkin Market. The Pumpkin Market was an evening that parents were able to come and purchase their child's art work, poems, and baked goods for a $1.00 donation. The kids then had a voting day, complete with a voting booth and ballets, and the Foundation was selected as the recipient. There were also bankers for the class that had to count the money. What made this donation extra special is that some of these kids were in preschool with Abrielle! When I asked how many knew Abby from preschool, almost half the grade raised their hand.

Thank you second graders!

Holidays Have Begun

The "holiday season" is here and my mind knows it. Something about the changing leaves makes me begin my restless nights even more. I am not sure if it is in anticipation of all the upcoming events or if it is because retailers think it's time to start shoving Christmas at us. Either way, I know it's here and Saturday was just the start of it all. My mind fills with all kinds of "what ifs" and they are hard to shake. I must admit, there were tears at Mady's class party. How could there not be still. Two and a half years is not enough time for the tears to not flow freely at such things. I don't know how long it will take, because tears are still a part of my daily life.

I have been doing my best to not put too many of these "feelings" posts out here, but as the holidays get closer, that is harder for me to do. Just bear with me through a few as they do help me emotionally.

Witches and Spiders ...

Maryville Treatment Center does different things throughout the year to help support local charities. Well, they took a "vote" of money in jars and the Foundation won! So witches hats and fuzzy spiders lurked around the institution, costing the recipient $1.00 to send it on. The employees were given the chance to "black list" themselves to keep from getting the scary items for a $2.00 donation.

Then, MTC had a chili cook-off, during which they sold homemade cinnamon rolls to benefit the Foundation. At this event, there were also balloons available to break for a $2.00 donation for a chance to win a prize. All this amounted to $465.49 being raised and donated to the Foundation!

Thank you to everyone that participated at MTC!

Poker Tournament

I wanted to pass along some information about the poker tournament this weekend to benefit Deryk Degase.

Saturday, November 7th

Elks Lodge

7:00 pm

$20 poker tournament

Open to the public

Impact on Victims Bring Awareness

Sorry so slow in getting this posted. This is the newspaper article that was released by the Missouri Department of Corrections following my visit to the Maryville Treatment Center.

The Missouri Department of Corrections focuses heavily on the reentry process, ensuring offenders have the tools and opportunities necessary for them to be productive, law-abiding citizens upon their return to Missouri communities.

As part of the transition and rehabilitation process, offenders at Maryville Treatment Center (MTC) participate in a variety of classes. This includes Impact of Crime on Victims Classes (ICVC). These classes bring awareness and understanding to offenders in regard to the negative impact crime has on victims, their families and the community. The best way to accomplish this is to have victims visit the facility and share how they were victimized along with the pain and grief they and their families have endured due to criminal acts.

On September 30, 2009, Brenda Neff spoke at MTC's ICVC class. Neff is the founder of Abby's Hugs. This foundation gives stuffed animals, coloring books and crayons to children who are hospitalized. Neff formed this foundation after her 3-year-old daughter, Abrielle Neff, was killed as a result of a car accident involving a driver who had recently consumed alcohol. Abrielle Neff died on March 29, 2007.

During the class, offenders were able to see pictures of Abrielle Neff, making her not just a statistic but also a little girl whose life was taken away due to the driver of the other vehicle having consumed alcohol then driving.

MTC offenders have been involved in ICVC classes and Restorative Justice projects for several years. These Restorative Justice projects involve giving back to the community in the form of city-wide clean-up, resurfacing and painting church parking lots, and Christmas light projects to name a few. Several projects are also done inside the facility. One of those has been to create coloring books for Abby's Hugs.

While Neff was at MTC, she was presented with 220 coloring books, created by offenders as a part of their Restorative Justice project in association with the ICVC.

For more information, contact the Public Information Office (573)522-1118.

Red Ribbon Week

This week was Red Ribbon Week, a week to educate students about the use of drugs and alcohol. St. Gregory's School chose to help out the Foundation on Tuesday. The had a pajama dress up day and students were able to bring their favorite stuffed animal to carry for a $1 donation to the Foundation. They received over $80! Then, every class wanted to help out by making cards. I took the cards, stickers, ribbon, punches, paper, and other supplies to a room at the school where each class took turns decorating.
I didn't count how many cards they were able to complete, but there were lots! This is such a HUGE help since last time bagging we ran out of cards completely, so we have animals waiting to be bagged with cards. This will help give us a good head start on those. Thanks to all the participated and to Mrs Halley for organizing everything!

Pumpkin Carving

It's that time again ...

where we carve 3 pumpkins for 2 girls to enjoy.