Yesterday was the second birthday I have "celebrated" without my Abrielle. Marc and the girls took me out for supper and Mady gave me a cute little card. When we got home they even let me scrapbook for a while. It was a nice evening. I did well up until bedtime. Everyone says that time makes things easier, but it sure doesn't stop the tears. I laid in bed just kind of reflecting on everything that has happened recently in my life. This is not what I had planned for myself. I have always wanted a family, to be a Mom. Yes, I still am a Mom to 3 little girls, but not in the way I had imagined. There are days that I feel the pain I still go through, the grief, tries to rob me of time with my other two girls. I do my best to not let this happen, but sometimes the grief wins, leaving me a sobbing mess, no good to anyone. (I am so thankful I have Marc!) I think the recent accident has affected me more than I have let on. I no longer run to St Joe or in to town at the drop of a hat like I did before. I just really don't want to go anywhere other than home. It seems odd for me to be this way, especially to those who know me, but I guess at least I am finally admitting it so I can start dealing with it. I have asked God to let me sit an inning or two out, hopefully He will and that will help me heal.
I don't like to let my guard down like this and spill these feeling out. I try so hard to keep my mask in place so no one sees what is underneath some days. I have had to force myself to not delete this post and let it be published...there must be a reason.