Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Another birthday

Yesterday was the second birthday I have "celebrated" without my Abrielle. Marc and the girls took me out for supper and Mady gave me a cute little card. When we got home they even let me scrapbook for a while. It was a nice evening. I did well up until bedtime. Everyone says that time makes things easier, but it sure doesn't stop the tears. I laid in bed just kind of reflecting on everything that has happened recently in my life. This is not what I had planned for myself. I have always wanted a family, to be a Mom. Yes, I still am a Mom to 3 little girls, but not in the way I had imagined. There are days that I feel the pain I still go through, the grief, tries to rob me of time with my other two girls. I do my best to not let this happen, but sometimes the grief wins, leaving me a sobbing mess, no good to anyone. (I am so thankful I have Marc!) I think the recent accident has affected me more than I have let on. I no longer run to St Joe or in to town at the drop of a hat like I did before. I just really don't want to go anywhere other than home. It seems odd for me to be this way, especially to those who know me, but I guess at least I am finally admitting it so I can start dealing with it. I have asked God to let me sit an inning or two out, hopefully He will and that will help me heal.
I don't like to let my guard down like this and spill these feeling out. I try so hard to keep my mask in place so no one sees what is underneath some days. I have had to force myself to not delete this post and let it be published...there must be a reason.

1 comment:

  1. Brenda,
    May peace be with you. You are by far the strongest woman I know. I follow your page almost like an addiction. Honestly I think it makes me appreciate every moment I have with my daughter. In 2007 many deaths have affected my life including the loss of my grandmother and the tragic loss of my husband & I's best friend Jeremy Salinas. The death that has affected me the most is the loss of your precious baby girl and I think it's because I don't understand it and it hit the closest to home. It's become quite clear to me that we can deal with losing a grandparent who in my case I've known for 24 years or a friend that was taken away in the blink of an eye but as a mom how are we supposed to "deal" with the loss of our child? My husband doesn't like me talking about all this because I think it scares him of what could happen. It has scared me from the very moment that we left the hospital with our newborn baby girl. As a mother it is our ultimate fear that our child will be taken before us for reasons that we don't understand or don't even want to understand. How can God the greatest power of all possibly take better care of our child than its own mother? Why would he want to try? What was so wrong here on earth that he felt the need to strip us of our life? Because I think that is what it would do, He takes the physical being of the child, but takes the mother's emotional, mental, and spiritual being with it. Since 2007, I have started a journey within myself to find peace and find God (I wasn't raised with it). I'm not sure what I believe in but I know that I can't handle life myself and who better to turn to than God. If He is going to take some very important people from our lives than he must have one Hell of a plan. I'm sorry if any of this has offended you...there is just a lot I have had on my mind...I can't say I know how you feel. I don't so I won't pretend that I do. You have three beautiful daughters and I pray for your family everyday that you will all find peace whenever the time is right for you. I pray that Elly keeps pointing at Abrielle's picture and saying hi. My daughter goes and sees Jeremy in her dreams and she talks to Grandma Grace very often and I have discovered that Taylor is my connection to the both of them. They made such an impact on her life that they are living in her. I want you to know that your loss has made such an impact in my life. Your daughter has made me a better mom and person. Thank you.

    God Bless you and your family,
    Amber Thompson