Abrielle Neff Foundation: Another birthday

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Another birthday

Yesterday was the second birthday I have "celebrated" without my Abrielle. Marc and the girls took me out for supper and Mady gave me a cute little card. When we got home they even let me scrapbook for a while. It was a nice evening. I did well up until bedtime. Everyone says that time makes things easier, but it sure doesn't stop the tears. I laid in bed just kind of reflecting on everything that has happened recently in my life. This is not what I had planned for myself. I have always wanted a family, to be a Mom. Yes, I still am a Mom to 3 little girls, but not in the way I had imagined. There are days that I feel the pain I still go through, the grief, tries to rob me of time with my other two girls. I do my best to not let this happen, but sometimes the grief wins, leaving me a sobbing mess, no good to anyone. (I am so thankful I have Marc!) I think the recent accident has affected me more than I have let on. I no longer run to St Joe or in to town at the drop of a hat like I did before. I just really don't want to go anywhere other than home. It seems odd for me to be this way, especially to those who know me, but I guess at least I am finally admitting it so I can start dealing with it. I have asked God to let me sit an inning or two out, hopefully He will and that will help me heal.
I don't like to let my guard down like this and spill these feeling out. I try so hard to keep my mask in place so no one sees what is underneath some days. I have had to force myself to not delete this post and let it be published...there must be a reason.
~Brenda

1 comment:

AnonymousAugust 26, 2008 at 10:51 PM
Brenda,
May peace be with you. You are by far the strongest woman I know. I follow your page almost like an addiction. Honestly I think it makes me appreciate every moment I have with my daughter. In 2007 many deaths have affected my life including the loss of my grandmother and the tragic loss of my husband & I's best friend Jeremy Salinas. The death that has affected me the most is the loss of your precious baby girl and I think it's because I don't understand it and it hit the closest to home. It's become quite clear to me that we can deal with losing a grandparent who in my case I've known for 24 years or a friend that was taken away in the blink of an eye but as a mom how are we supposed to "deal" with the loss of our child? My husband doesn't like me talking about all this because I think it scares him of what could happen. It has scared me from the very moment that we left the hospital with our newborn baby girl. As a mother it is our ultimate fear that our child will be taken before us for reasons that we don't understand or don't even want to understand. How can God the greatest power of all possibly take better care of our child than its own mother? Why would he want to try? What was so wrong here on earth that he felt the need to strip us of our life? Because I think that is what it would do, He takes the physical being of the child, but takes the mother's emotional, mental, and spiritual being with it. Since 2007, I have started a journey within myself to find peace and find God (I wasn't raised with it). I'm not sure what I believe in but I know that I can't handle life myself and who better to turn to than God. If He is going to take some very important people from our lives than he must have one Hell of a plan. I'm sorry if any of this has offended you...there is just a lot I have had on my mind...I can't say I know how you feel. I don't so I won't pretend that I do. You have three beautiful daughters and I pray for your family everyday that you will all find peace whenever the time is right for you. I pray that Elly keeps pointing at Abrielle's picture and saying hi. My daughter goes and sees Jeremy in her dreams and she talks to Grandma Grace very often and I have discovered that Taylor is my connection to the both of them. They made such an impact on her life that they are living in her. I want you to know that your loss has made such an impact in my life. Your daughter has made me a better mom and person. Thank you.

God Bless you and your family,
Amber Thompson
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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.