With the passing of Elli Reed, my emotions have just been raw again. I feel their pain. I remember the last words I said to Abrielle while she was still conscious at St Francis were "Stay strong. The doctors will make you better. Mommy loves you and I will be there as soon as I can." as they loaded her up to transport her to CMH. I have been spending my nights reliving the goodbye we shared with Abby. That is the hardest, most unselfish thing any parent has to do...tell their child it's ok to stop fighting and go to Heaven. If I had my way, no other parent would ever have to go through this nightmare, this torture of having to live without your child in your arms. No parent would have join this elite club that teaches you to pull a mask over the face of pain, turning it into a happy one. I have learned how to hide those tears, the pain, so that not everyone will see and wish it upon no one. It has been 533 since Abby's "Heavenly Birthday" and I am sure that some people think maybe I should have moved on, gotten over it, be passed it, whichever word you want to use, but I don't think a parent is able to. I think maybe this is something you are able to do as a child, not grasping the full concept, at the loss of a grandparent, something along those lines, but as a Mom, I will never "get over" the loss of my Abby. Instead I just have to find different ways to show her my love now. Whether it's sending balloons to Heaven with Mady, going to the cemetery every Sunday, or the ink we have permanently placed on our feet, I am sure she feels the love. 
Becci and I went on Abby's 4th birthday to get the tattoos done together. Later I went with Carrie and then with Steph as they too permanently professed their love and beliefs. There are 2 others with butterflies and Abrielle's name on their feet also but they weren't there for the picture. The fact that others have been so touched by our little Abby that they are willing to show it for the rest of their lives brings both tears and strength, the strength from the bonds of a treasured friendship. (Of course I love my friends without tattoos too!)
Mommy misses you Abby! Love You!
~Brenda
There is not a day that goes by since I got my tattoo that someone hasnt asked me what it means. I feel like it is away to keep her alive and always remember her because she is with me forever.
ReplyDeleteBecci
I am sorry about your loss and that the wound has opeend up once again. Do not feel as if you have to get over anything how could you. You might always carry a little pain for the rest of your life. My gradmother's first pregnancy ever she lost a set of twins shortly after tehy were born then she lost my Aunt 20 yrs ago. My grandmother thinks of her children everyday and reminds us of the life they had and how much she loved them all.The best thing you can do is to let yourself feel the pain and learn the best way to handle it. I personally have not experienced the loss of a child. Yet through my grandmother I have learned thet just because someone passes through heavens gates does not mean you have to get over anything or not mention thier name the best you can do is to share every minute of her life with your friends and family over and over again. My grandmother says this helps her to be sure that everyone will remember what beautiful children they were. My aunt was also killed by a drunk driver when i was 10 yrs old. I am truly sorry for your loss!!
ReplyDeleteThere isnt a day that goes by that someone does not asking me what my tattoo means or what a pretty name that is on my foot. I feel my tattoo keeps abby alive, it lets me share her story with every new person i meet. They think its so cute and pretty. Love and miss you Abby,
ReplyDeleteAunt Becci