Abrielle Neff Foundation: Grief Support

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Grief Support

Yesterday I called CMH to RSVP for the memorial service and got to speak with one of the chaplains that was with us the day we were there with Abrielle. We visited for a little while and she informed me that they would be stopping their grief support group after December due to low numbers. Marc and I have not gone as often as we should or as we need to, but I think for us it's the drive. We have to drive two hours, knowing what our trip is for. We sit there thinking that we are about to face this head on, tears and all, and it's hard to have conversations to take your mind off of the process ahead. So the drive there is long to say the least. The drive home is not much better either. We are usually exhausted and mentally drained. I'm sure after a routine of doing this the process becomes easier and we would no longer be quite as spent as what we are now. It was 8 months after Abby's heavenly birthday when we first attended the group. We wanted to prepare ourselves for the holidays ahead and that was the subject they were discussing. That first trip back to CMH had such an overwhelming affect on me that I was not prepared for. As soon as we passed through a familiar part of the hospital, the tears started. They didn't stop the whole time I was there. I was a blubbering mess! But it was what I needed. We were surrounded by a chaplain and a nurse that were there with us that day along with other families that had lost their child too. We were the newbies and everyone wanted to help any way they could. You could feel the love and concern. It was very comforting. We felt free to talk about things that we were so afraid to before. Things we thought would have sent us to the nut house. We discovered we were not alone, not crazy. Unfortunately, the emotional toll made me ill before we left and Marc had to stop several times on the way home. But in all, we felt like we fit with this group. We exchanged emails and phone numbers with others there to stay in contact and have a "been there" friend to talk to. With this group disbanding for the time being, our chaplain gave me phone numbers for a support group in St Joe to call. I called them to get more info and they told me there was a loss of a child support group in Maryville. She gave me numbers, but I guess this group too is no longer in existence. I sometimes get the feeling that we are expected to just deal with this on our own. Anyone out there reading this, Maryville needs a group! We have been to just a grief support group, but it seemed more for the loss of a spouse than a child. Everyone wanted to help, but the loss of a child is different (not that I've lost a spouse). To lose your little girl that you took care of every day, tucked into bed every night, the little princess that looked to you for protection, has to be different than losing the love of your life, your companion. So, after December, I guess we will be making trips to St Joe for support.

Today is also Aunt Becci's birthday. I am sure Abby will be sending pennies and smiles to her Aunt Becci.

~Brenda

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Our Story...

Abrielle came into this world in a hurry to get started, which gave us our first glimpse at her personality. Not waiting on Dr Jane to put on gloves, only a towel to catch her with, she weighed in at six pounds fifteen ounces. From the beginning Abby had reflux, but there seemed to more than just that as she failed to gain weight. At four months we were sent to draw all kinds of labs, hoping for a solution, but all was normal. By six months of age, the vomiting became worse, almost nightly. We were keeping records of every calorie she ate, every dirty diaper, and every time she vomited. By this time Abby was refusing to eat supper most nights and would throw up her undigested lunch after bathtime at 8:00. Her food was just sitting in her tummy all day. Dr Watson sent us to Omaha Childrens Hospital to Dr Zapata a pediatric gastroenterologist to help diagnois the problem. There, over the next year and a half of her life, Abby underwent testing, treatments, and outpatient procedures. During every procedure she was given a stuffed animal to hold for comfort, even though she had Blankie with her.
To make a long story short, after the accident we discovered St Francis Hospital did not have a program like this for kids and Abby's Hugs was born.

That Tragic Day...

Thursday, March 29, 2007, began like any other school day in our household with the only exception being that it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. We had a rule that if the sharing item was not picked out the night before (which it usually wasn't), Abby had to be ready for school before she could find something to take. This morning was just like most ... nothing was picked out the night before. She hurried faster than usual that way she would have time to find something. After brushing her teeth, she ran to her room to find some clothes. I always tried to give Abby choices, but she was down to her last clean pair of capris. I gave her the option of wearing those, a pair of Gymboree Fruit Punch capris with a bright yellow shirt or jeans and a purple kitty shirt. She decided on the capri outfit which she had actually rejected every other day that week. After getting dressed, she went into Sissy's room and was playing with her LeapPad when I found her. I asked her how she wanted her hair fixed and she said "little pony". (Not that she was going to leave it in anyway) I helped her onto the sink and she dug through her basket of hair things until she found a yellow one. We went into the living room so I could sit down to brush her hair. Since sitting on my lap was now impossible, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up with the little yellow hair tie. She ran to her room and began looking for something to bring for sharing. She came out with her Little People's Noah's Ark set stuffed full of extra toys. Being a mean Mommy, I said, You can only bring one toy. Aww, was the response as she took the ark back to her room to look for something else. I went on about my routine of making my lunch and everything else to be ready to leave for work. Mady and I headed out to the Expedition and Abby was not following behind. I went back inside to find her and Marc on their way from her room with her big "bobbycat" (bobcat skidloader) for sharing. They had been looking for the scoop that attaches to the front but ran out of time. They decided that just the bobbycat would work. Marc helped buckle Abby in her car seat. Because she was so small we still used the 5-point harness and not just the seatbelt so she required some help. As we left the house, Marc pulled out ahead of the girls and I onto the gravel road. Just around the first set of curves past our house, I slowed down so we could watch the turkeys fly across the road. I am not sure if Abby saw them or not, but she said she did. We continued on, oblivious to our fate that lie ahead.

last added to 10/29 ...this I will add to as I am able ...thanks for understanding.

The Sentence

On June 25, 2008, Ryan C Sundermann was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections on charges of involuntary manslaughter. Sundermann wrecklessly caused the death of Abrielle Neff in a motor vehicle collision on March 29, 2007. Sundermann was charged with failing to maintain proper control of his vehicle, failure to drive on the right half of the roadway and operated a motor vehicle after consuming alcohol.
Sundermann was previously convicted of Driving While Intoxicated and Failure to Drive on the Right Half of the Roadway on April 25, 2006 and sentenced to 2 years probation, 12 days in jail, and a $300 fine. On December 19, 2006, Sundermann was again convicted of Excessive Blood Alcohol Content-Prior Offender which he received a Suspended Execution of Sentence of 180 days, was continued on 2 years probation and received a fine.