Mady's questions

The Memorial Service took its toll on all of us, including Mady. She rarely asks questions about the actual accident or Abby's death, but when she does, we answer every one of them no matter how much it hurts to talk about. I think she is finally getting to the age where she can begin to comprehend some of these things and it's good that she wants to know. Mady was 6 (18 days away from being 7) when the accident happened. We were given several things on child grief at the time from the school counselor that explained each age level and how they would react. Mady fit hers to a T. She had aggression and outbursts that she never had before. She went from our girly-girl that loved to look nice to us having to fight to get her to brush her hair and put on something that didn't have an elastic waist. It was such a huge personality change. She never once shed a tear. It was like she didn't know how to be sad. She reverted back to having accidents if something upset her and sometimes for no reason at all. One day it was a simple bus evacuation drill that made her upset. They just asked for reasons why they might have to get off the bus this way and someone said if it wrecks. This year we are noticing changes again. She is starting to like to dress nice again, but not all the time. It seems like she is having good and bad days, just like the rest of us, like she is maturing. Sunday was good for her. She leaned on my shoulder through most of the service and patted me. I thought it was mostly to comfort me, but she was sad too. That night she was full of questions.

Are we going to go to that thing next year too?

Yes, we will probably go every year. Is that ok? When Elly gets big enough she can come too.

Yeah, it was cool to let the butterfly go. It just made me sad. I thought I was going to cry.

It's ok to be sad and it's ok to cry because we miss Abby. Crying sometimes makes us feel better.

I didn't know those people had a little girl that died. Did you?

No, I didn't know those people, but everyone there had a child die.

That's what all those pictures were on the screen.

Yes, they were all kids that have died.

Who was that lady that gave you a hug?

She is called a chaplain. It's like a preacher. She was there with us when Abby died and she is who Mommy and Daddy talk to when we come down to meetings.

Oh, Did she have somebody die?

No, she just helps Mommys and Daddys that do.

Oh, Who was that other lady you were talking to?

She's one of Mommy and Daddy's new friends. We see her when we go to meetings.

Did she have someone die?

Yes, her son. But he was older than Abby. He was 19.

Why did he die?

He had cancer.

Oh. Why did Abby die? She didn't have cancer or something wrong with her heart.

She died because of the wreck.

...long pause...wanting more info...

Remember, her head got hurt.

Did they know she was going to die?

Not until after surgery. The surgery didn't fix her the way it was supposed to. Then they told us she was going to die.

And then Roger brought you and Daddy to Chloe's house to get me.

Yes. But you know what, Abby did help save some other people's lives.

She did?

You know you talked about your organs in health class. Abby gave her organs to some other people that were dying so that they could live.

Oh. So now they are alive.

Yes, they are alive. Maybe someday we can meet them.

That would be neat. They have Abby inside of them.

I think she was trying to piece together that day for herself. She never asked what happened the rest of the day after we left her to go to CMH. I am sure I will have to answer these questions again, but this was the first time so far. I hope she is beginning to piece everything together for herself and was so glad to hear her say she felt like crying.

~Brenda

See what drinking and driving does!